Plugging Along

Well I have made it 84 days.... only 6 more to the BIG 90 days Sober.  Ninety Days is a big deal in the sobriety world it appears.  Not really sure why, my research has dwindled lately as I been feeling pretty strong and the wine witch seldom makes an appearance anymore thank goodness.

I am thinking I have climbed over the PAWS wall again this round.  I can not understand how or why we have to go through the cycle over and over.  The alcohol is out of our system, we have found new routines.  Overall we should basically be enjoying our new freedom and ability to live a normal life. I know our brains are probably still repairing all the damage we inflicted for many years but still.  We are smart people (well now at least since we quit poisoning ourselves), why do we have to cycle the moods and depressions when drinking doesn't seem to be an issue anymore?  But I guess it is what it is and we have to deal with it day by day.

We still haven't gone camping yet. I am pretty disappointed in myself for not conquering that fear yet.  But I will hopefully at the end of the month.  We are unable to for the next couple weekends so I must push myself to then.  I know I will be very disappointed in myself if I don't.  I am not sure what my fear is because I love the peace and quiet.  I know the dogs will have a blast which is all that matters right?  I think I am worried about getting bored.  You may ask how can you be bored when you have the whole country side to explore and do things?  I ask myself that also.  Fingers crossed I will be posting about a wonderful camping trip soon.

10 Weeks

70 days.... I think 10 weeks sounds better for some reason :)

I have come out of my funk somewhat.  Still moody but doing better. I can at least stand myself sometimes.

I have realized that the wine witch is not screaming at me as much anymore.  It is really nice and weird I don't think about it much.  I went out of town with my BFF which is also my drinking buddy and not drinking wasn't an issue.  While getting ready a couple times I thought about having a nipper but it was just passing thought.  We went to dinner and she had a margarita and was worried it would bother me.  It did not faze me at least. Plus tequila was never my thing.

Summer time we always try to camp as much as we can.  But this year I really want to go but I am so scared to go.  Camping has always involved a lot of drinking.  I don't have the desire to drink right now but going up country is it going to trigger the loss?  I don't want to inflict more challenges at this time but then I want to concur them instead of missing out on life.  I will get there I know it, I have made it this far I can achieve anything!!!

My restless legs seem to be doing a little better.  Not sure if they are related or not but I wanted to document so if they appear again.

60 DaYs!!!!

Sunday was 60 days alcohol free for me.  Is this a big achievement?  Didn't really feel like it.  Not sure what I am expecting but I am apparently I am not getting it. I still feel great, no waking up hung over, having a little more energy.  But I have no pizazz at all.  I am not sure if it is the Wall or if this is how my life is going to be.  I don't find it too interesting.  I am getting a lot of things done in my home that I have neglected for years and that does feel like a great accomplishment but is that all my life consists of is cleaning?

I am discovering how selfish I really am and not liking it.  I am frustrated that no one has noticed my achievement.  Yes I know this is my personal achievement and I am not doing it for anyone else but I feel like I have to brag about it instead of it being noticed.  DH is the one that mainly bugs me.  He use to be so observant of my little things I wish he would recognize this one without me saying something every time.  So petty I know.  

Also, why blog???? Does not appear that many people even read this and no one comments.  I know personally as a blog stocker I don't normally comment but that is due to reading history from like 5 years ago so I feel my comments are not pertinent at this point. I know this blog is not really helpful to others as so we will see if it will go on....

Sober Mother's Day Weekend

Well I survived Mother's Day Weekend, cranky and all.  Friday night was horrible until about 9:30.  I was just cranky about everything.  I didn't even eat dinner because the place we were going to eat appeared to be too busy and so then I was pissy and nothing sounded good.  Wonder who that hurt lol?

Saturday got better but I was still a little glum.  My sweet daughter came to visit for a while which was nice.  She is planning her wedding so in the back of my mind I am wondering how this sobriety thing is going to work.  Her wedding isn't until next July but I keep thinking I can't have a glass of champagne to celebrate her new journey.  Not that I need to but it would be nice not to have this problem and be normal and just have one glass of champagne and be done with it but I am too scared to even try. But I will face that battle when it comes.

Sunday my dear son took me to lunch for mother's day.  It was very sweet of him as he is not the touchy feel type of boy.  But it made my heart burst with pride knowing he does love me :)

DH had to work all weekend so I had to make my own dinner darn it.  But my mood had greatly improved by Sunday.  Hopefully my slump is over for this month.  I pray the next one isn't so sever, hate feeling this way and making everyone in my life miserable.

Hope all the mothers out there had an amazing Mother's Day.

Day 51

I am in a rut.  I have no excitement in my life. I guess the "honeymoon" is over already.  The last 3 days I have been blah, even the energy has been lost.  Maybe that is some of the reason I am in a rut, I am not getting anything done like I was.  I feel no accomplishment.

In reading other blogs I am thinking I am cycling in the PAWS.  I had told my DH that this was a possibility and he had said at the time "Not you, you are too head strong not to get it all done at once".  I know he was joking and being supportive, and I was truly hoping he was right but unfortunately he wasn't.

My irritability is through the roof. No one can do any right in my eyes and I feel horrible about that.  I see what I am doing but can't seem to stop it. I have been taking vitamins trying to stay on top of it but I must need more. 

It does not help that I am watching TV shows and it shows how people are sober for years and still struggle every day with it.  Is this it?  Is this what sober life is?  I feel like it is Groundshogs Day.  I want more.  I want excitement and fulfillment.

I will make it through and hopefully I will snap out of it quickly.  If I don't like myself how is anyone going to like me or put up with me.


Heres to tomorrow...!!!

Symptoms???

Day 48

Overall I feel so much better being AF but I do have a few symptoms I do not know if they are related to my new healthy life style or not.  The major one is having restless leg syndrome.  It is driving me crAzY!!! I need my sleep.  In my drinking days I would have spouts of restless nights, but most nights I poured myself into bed and passed out so consciously I am not sure if it was really bad or not.

I have tried taking magnesium supplements and I drink Calm nightly but still struggle.  I purchased a really awful elixir that contained apple cider vinegar, garlic and ginger.  They had warned me it tasted awful but worked great.  I thought "If I could drink Peppermint Schnapps nightly, this will be no problem".  Boy was I wrong.  It was horrible.  But I was so desperate I would try anything to get some sleep.  Well it seemed to work for like 2 hours then they would act up again.  So I did find another remedy in drop form that doesn't taste near as bad and works great.  But I am at a loss why it is so bad now.  I should be absorbing my vitamins now, not like when I was drinking and was lacking.  I have tried to Google it but haven't really confirmed this is a side effect this far out.  Has anyone else struggled with this?  I know I am drinking enough water as that is all I drink now.

On another note this morning I woke up and looked hung over.  I never really noticed visually how bad I looked for so many years but now I am so conscious of it even though I am not waking up hung over.  My eyes were all poofy and my fingers were all swollen.  I didn't really eat or do anything out of the ordinary last night so I am not sure where this is coming from either.  My hands seemed to go down pretty quickly but I feel my face is still poofy.  Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Am I an Alcoholic???

As I stated in my very first blog post.. I do NOT consider myself an Alcoholic.  Saying it out loud makes me feel like I have a very big head that has lost many screws. But let me see if I can rationalize it for you... 

Being an Alcoholic means I have a LIFE long DIEASE that is incurable.  That is really hard to deal with and grasp.  You mean I am going to have to fight this for the REST of MY LIFE???? Who would even want to try to do that?  I know I sure as heck don't.  Yes I have admitted I have a problem with Alcohol no doubt about it.  Will I always struggle with it?  Yes I am sure I will when I let it, I couldn't control it to start with so I know down the road as much I would like to I won't be able to.  So yes the term may be correct, but for my mind set I am not going to label myself that.  I have an intolerance to alcohol that's it.  It does not like me and I do not like it. I was an alcohol ADDICT but I do not have a disease.  Just like I have read someone who uses heroin it is not said they have heroinism, they are a heroin addict. A cocaine user is a crack addict (not sure if that is the right term) not a cocainolic.

I am sure this post makes no sense to some, I am not sure how to say it as the way I portray it in my mind.  I know it is just a word, but like cancer, that word hangs with you for the rest of your life.  Yes I will always be mindful of my problems but I will also try my best to look at the way that makes me feel better about myself not worse so I have more of a chance for success.
*I am sure this post will be edited several times as I figure out a way to explain it without sounding like a nut case :)

Where I came from....

Here is a little rehash of events that stand out to me so I can remember where I was and how far I have come.

• Several years ago while the children were still at home, I had drank too much of course (sadly this was before I got really bad).  I don't remember the details but I do know DH and I got into an argument (sure over something silly).  The end result of my drunken temper tantrum I had thrown the remote control and broke our fairly new flat screen TV.  I then broke down in tears for the stupidity as DH tried to console me.  The saint that DH is went first thing in the morning before the children woke and bought a new TV (which mind you we did not have the money for).  When asked by said children why we got a new one, DH was kind enough to cover for me with some ridiculous story.  Not sure if they bought into the story but no more was said of this incident.
• A couple years ago my DH was hospitalized out of town for monitoring of some dangerous kidney levels.  Of course during my packing to take him to the hospital I put my bottle of schnapps in my bag (no I was not driving).  He was in the hospital 3 days.  While I rationed my supply (do you know how hard it is to drink in a hospital and not get caught) I was very edgy the whole time there worrying when I would run out.  Mind you I did not pack make-up or under garments for this stay but got my spirits.  In my defense DH has always been the healthy strong one, so this was suppose to be an over reaction so the stay should be brief and we would be on our way, not the case.  (thinking back on this one really bothers me... I was such a horrible wife, and here he sat waiting 14 hours for me to get out of my surgery when I had a double mastectomy and was in the hospital 7 days)
• Several times I would drink a fair amount before the DH would get home from work and I would have to puke so I didn't appear trashed and then I could drink some more and everything would seem normal.
• Evenings I would drink more than I should then I would feel "social" and make my calls to my Daughter, Sister or MIL.  Looking back most conversations I was just a blubbering idiot.  I would get flustered with dear MIL for interrupting me or not letting me talk.  Well when you don't shut up yourself who are you to judge.
• Went to a personal conference with my co-worker.  She isn't much of a drinker but she does drink.  I was nervous about how much was acceptable for me to drink around her so she didn't think I was a lush.  Also not drinking on the way to the conference was a bit worrisome for me. But kept telling myself I could do it.  Well I of course bought 3 mini bottles to hide in my purse (aren't I brilliant?).  We had to stop half way so I could "pee" and I slipped one in my pocket so I could drink it in the bathroom so she didn't know.  We went to dinner and I had 2 glasses of wine within a 30 minute period.  I got a little tipsy and of course blamed it on my nerves.
• Got into a horrible fight with Darling Sister due my emotions being totally out of control.  It was a bad year for me on the anniversary of losing my youngest son for some reason.  Looking back (and honestly at the time I knew) the alcohol contributed I would say at least 60% of it if not more.  I am not trying to minimalize it as grief is a horrible thing and the cycles are never ending.  But having the alcohol fog on top of it does not help one deal with the stages of grief.  DS was trying her best to comfort me in my time of need, but she was not aware of how bad I was emotionally (why on earth would I let anyone know I was not in control of myself or my feelings).  We got into one of the most brutal fights we ever have had (through messenger where of course things can easily be taken out of context).  She appears to have forgiven me quickly and said it wasn't as bad I was thinking, but my guilty eats away at me but it is also helping me come to terms with my drinking problem.

I know there are probably many more than this, but this is a good start to look back and see that is not a place I want to be.

How Did I Do It???

Day 43  (money saved... $655.40- sure wish it showed in my bank account)

Something that is bothering me in this challenge of being sober and it is quite crazy, but  no one really asks how I am doing it? (I am telling more people every day that I have quit now that I am past 30 days and feel like it is achievable)  I know that so weird but as challenging as it is I thought more people would ask how I cope each day and how I stopped to start with but no one has.  Well I will share it with you anyways....

I have contemplated quitting for many years now.  My close friends (and fellow drinking buddies know this first hand). Many times when we would get together or talk I would always say "I really need to do something about this" or "I am getting pretty bad I really need to quit or cut back".  But it usually came up after talking about other people we knew that were doing really bad with either drinking or drugs.  Of course talking about them (which is not very Christian to begin with) would help lift the veil from my eyes and see that I was no better than they were with the way I was handling myself day to day. But then continuing to discuss how these individuals were ruining their lives and praying they would get it together soon for themselves and their families, I would be told... "your not that bad yet" or "you have had a rough life, no one blames you for numbing yourself", or "who would not drink if they lived your life".  So this of course justified my behavior an made it easier to deny that I truly had a problem. On a side note I must say my close friends and drinking buddies didn't really know how much I was drinking.  They knew I drank daily but I don't think they knew the quantity I was drinking as I of course was not going to tell them every day that I had too much the night before.

What made me say "today is the day" I am not sure.  I started reading other peoples blogs on how to quit without going to AA.  My biggest fear is not having the tools to do this with out the assistance of AA.  There is nothing wrong with AA, it has helped many people and I admire them for having the courage to change their lives use the support of AA.  But in our small community it would definitely not be Anonymous.  Most people didn't realize how bad I was and I definitely did not want to go stand in front of a bunch of people and admit my faults knowing that the rest of the town would probably know by the end of the week.  I am sure not all groups are this way but that was my fear.
I really thought about going to rehab because I knew I could not do it on my own. There was no way... every morning I would think I am going to do better tonight for sure... but then quitting time I was stopping by the local convenience store to pick up a bottle just incase.  Well the "just incase" was an always and I would drink 3/4 to all of it that night.  This was on repeat more often than not.  I was very insecure about my drinking and did not want my co-workers or others to know I had a problem so I even considered getting a surgery that is needed to be done and going to rehab at that time so they didn't know the real reason I was not at work.  That is plain crazy but this is where I was at.

Well the morning of March 20th (oddly my MIL bday... no this was not a gift to her as I hope she did not realize how bad I was) I woke up and said "I am done as of today!!!" I didn't tell my husband at this point (he was on graveyards so he wouldn't know anyways). I had been reading "Kick the Drink... Easily" by Jason Vale (recommended several times on other blogs I was reading).  While reading it was like, ya this is really going to work... not!!.  At the beginning of the book he states if you hadn't quit drinking already, don't quit until you finish the book.  I thought this was very odd, but I followed directions.  Some readings I probably did not absorb as well as I should have because I was drinking... but this book was  the miracle I needed. On the 20th of March I had not finished the book yet but was close to the end and have not drank since.  I was really put off when Jason said that the book was accused of brainwashing people.  I was like no way, no one is going to get into my brain, but then quickly I thought... heck I will take any help I can get and if this brainwashes me so be it if it works.  Not really thinking reading a book would help me but you know what???  I REALLY DID!!!!

Every time I would get up that first week to go to the cupboard to get a shot (yes I do still have an empty bottle in my cupboard taking up space... I just have not been able to part with it yet lol) ... I would think and sometimes say out loud... "that is poison".... "alcohol does nothing for me"... over and over.  It really worked for me to visualize drinking fuel for my car every day. Why in the heck would I do that to my body? I am far from being a health nut, but there are something's that do not belong in the human body like heroin, crack and now I realize alcohol.  That is plain stupid and I may not be a scholar I am not dimwit either.

What helped you to take that first step to changing your life?

30 DAYS!!!!!

Wow 30 days!!! (sorry playing catch up with this new blog, the official 30 days was on 4/20)
Anyways..... 30 FrEAKinG DAYS!!!! I would never thought I could make it this far.  Ya I have been sober before for 9 months 3 times in my life but when you are growing eyeballs and ears it kind of gives you strength to do what is best for the baby :).

What have I discovered in the last 30 days???

• I feel AMAZING!!!!! I have so much more energy which has been an issue for me for some time now.  I was always complaining how tired I was and life was so boring because I had no energy like those crazy people that can do so much in a day.  Well I am that crazy person. Yes I do get tired of course but I feel 100% better.
• My bowel movements are so much better also.  I know TMI but at the young age of 40 I had to have a colonoscopy to make sure all was well down in the bottom end.  In my heart I knew it was the alcohol but of course I just wanted a pill to fix it so I continue the path I was traveling.  But during this procedure I also discovered I had precancerous esophagus (Barrett's Disease).  Well I knew it was from drinking but of course I would not admit it to anyone.  It was just from reflux which is common for most normal people right? ON that note, the reflux is so much better.  I thought of going off my medication but figure I will wait until the next scope to make sure I am on the mend. Cancer is nothing to mess with.
• The Wine Witch is not calling so much anymore.  Ya I will get a tiny craving every now and then but it leaves quickly.  Except Sunday was a little more difficult.  The weather was nice I did a lot of spring cleaning and cleaned out some of my flower beds (mind you I have not done in YEARS).  Well I thought when the DH got off work we could take a ride up country and take the dogs for a run (them not me, I have not come that far yet).  I was planning to make a wonderful dinner of hot dogs and potato salad.  Well the closer it was time for  DH to get off the more I was wanting to have a glass of wine and enjoy the nice weather.  Going for rides previously always entailed drinking so I quickly changed my mind and we just cooked the hot dogs on the BBQ.  It was nice and the nagging WW was defeated and I enjoyed the rest of the evening.
• My moods are much more consistent now.  If I am cranky, I am cranky and know why (well sometimes, I am still a woman).  But I feel I am on an even kilter most nights.  DH did tell my DS the other night that I am much more enjoyable to be around and don't get so ornery anymore so I guess that is a plus!!
• Like said in previous post, my anxiety is better by tenfold.  Ya I am still nervous, but nothing like I was before.  I can't remember if I discussed this or not, but Dear Hubs and I went shopping out of town a couple weekends ago and normal on the interstate I have my head ducked down most of the trip and freaking out grabbing DH and stressing him out.  But oddly this trip I was actually able to watch us travel down the road.  Don't get me wrong we did pass a semi at one point and I had to turn my head, but nothing like I use to be.
• Weight... I have only lost 6 pounds. But considering I have substituted the drink for sweets I feel pretty good about it.  I never ate sweets before because I had to save the calories to partake by cup. I have to say a chocolate granola bar or a Reese's cup isn't so bad for me at this point.
• As I said I only lost 6 pounds but my face does look much better if I say so myself.  My jowls are less prominent that is for sure.  My eyes are defiantly not as poofy.  I don't look like I just got out of bed all day long!! I have even been taking "selfies" to show my progress.  I normally do not see the good, but I can see the difference is positive.
• Shakes are nonexistent.  Before I would roll myself out of bed and the hubs would have breakfast done.  As I pour our orange juice I could barely hit the glass.  But in all honesty I didn't think it was from drinking.  I have always been a shakey person but this was horrible.  I chalked it up to being hungry as they seemed to get better after I would eat.  No I did not drink in the morning so it never registered it was withdrawals already since I was probably still drunk or way hung over.

Well that is all I can come up with now, but I am sure there are many more significant changes.  I am so enjoying this AF life I only pray the honeymoons keeps on a lasting.

PS.... I have also saved over $450.   Unfortunately I don't notice it my checkbook as drinking was not a budgeted expense.  I seem to transfer money from saving more now which is very agitating but I think it is because I am actually dealing with life now and I am balancing my checkbook weekly instead of hoping all is good until payday

Little Rough

Well I have made it 26 days and this weekend was a little bit of a struggle.  Friday night wasn't too bad, did some things around the house and went to bed about 9:30 (that is late for me lately). Saturday DH and I went out of town to do our grocery shopping.  Anyone who knows me knows I hate shopping and being around people (sorry I do like people just not lots in one place).  Well the morning was great, I was up at 8:30 and ready to leave the house by 10 (the old me would have been lucky if I was ready by 1, and at that time I was really contemplating taking a nap first). 

This waking up during morning time sure feels empowering lol.  The ride over was pretty good, DH and I were joking back and forth having a good time.  We went to breakfast and stopped at a few places to pick things up.  Then... we hit Wally World.  Did ok to start with but then went to electronics' and DH ticked me off.... (money is a sore subject in our household.  Could be that I am so controlling of it which I will admit).  I tried like heck to let it go and finish the shopping.  We had to stop at the discount liquor store for my Dear Grandmother (yes drinking runs in my family).  Shopping there really didn't bother me much, I didn't have the desire to buy anything which I thought was a great achievement.  But my mood was still not so well on the way home I was very reserved and quite.  Of course DH has to try to make things better which doesn't work and frustrates me more.  He is always... "Don't be cranky", "what's the matter?", "What you thinking?", "Do you need spanked?".  Sometimes I just want to be left alone in my little bubble. I kind of chilled out when we got home but the wine witch was sure talking to me.  In the past I was always having a nipper as we put the groceries away (after having a few on the way home). But I survived the night thank goodness.

Well Sunday morning comes around and DH had gone fishing with his work buddies (at my persuasion).  I woke up early again, but I woke up very cranking.  The money issue was really raking on my nerves.  The more I thought about the more I wanted to say to hell with it and go buy a bottle.  The frustration was so bad, I even brought myself to tears a couple times.  In the past when DH and I would have issues, my solution was to have a few drinks to lighten up and hopefully let things go.  But today I had to really deal with them.  My house did get pretty clean for it being the weekend (I try not to do housework on the weekend but I needed the distraction). When DH came home he knew right away I was not in the best of moods.  Of course he thought it was his fishing and I was upset that I was home alone cleaning.  Silly men, when will they every learn to read a woman's mind?  Well he pushed and pushed until I told him what I was upset about.  Have to say it is kind of funny, once he learned what the real reason was the subject dropped kind of quickly.  I did not pursue it any further either not wanting to tussle about it anymore. I was pretty blah all afternoon but made it though it and went to bed early as I knew he was going to do no right in my mind (poor man).

Today is a new day.  I am feeling a little better and not searching for reasons to drink.  I know I am in control and I have the choice to let the wine witch bring me down or I can look at what I have accomplished in the last 26 days and be proud and move on one day at a time.  I know every day life is always going to be a challenge I just have to make sure I accept the right way and do the best I can to get over the hurdle and move one.

21 day that's 3 WEEKS!!!!

Wow I can't believe how quickly time is flying.  Well that first week went very slow but to see the number 21 I feel so accomplished.  I do wish I started this blog the first day I was AF but the fear was too great.  I am now to the point I am good with bearing my soul and if criticism arises, I will try my best to let it go and move on.

I read several blogs with other woman who have taken this journey and it has helped me so much in my short amount of time.  But on the other hand it kind of scares me reading how far they have got and still struggle from time to time.  It appears I am in the "honeymoon stage" or the 'pink cloud" phase of recovery.  But I will take it day by day and conquer things as they come up.

I feel pretty good today.  I have so much energy.  I can not believe what I am accomplishing in the evenings.  First of all I can not believe how much I have let my house go, it is embarrassing.  But now I am constantly cleaning something every night, and it is the nitty gritty cleaning, not just the surface.  Three weeks ago I would come home from work not even kiss the DH if he happened to be home and go straight for a nipper.  While trying to figure out what to make for dinner, I would continue to drink frequently. I would then cook dinner (while drinking) and then sit on the couch and drink some more.  On good nights the alcohol would kick in and give me some energy so I may vacuum or maybe clean a toilet. I rarely did dishes before I went to bed.  Then in the morning I would be so frustrated the kitchen was such a mess, I would be cranky all day and if DH was off and didn't clean it up before I got home I would be pissy at him. That gave me an excuse to drink probably more than the night before so I could "chill out" and not fight with him.  But of course we know that never worked and it was always his fault.  We usually fought more due to the intoxication. (oh how I feel so sorry for my behavior)

The thought of drinking isn't constantly on my mind like it was last week and the week before.  Going through 3 weekends successfully now has really boosted my confidence.  I also had a house guest over the weekend (my dear mom) and I had a little urge to drink to be the happy hostess but I worked through it and think I was pretty good company without being inhibited.  Go Me!!
I honestly can not believe the difference I feel in myself.  I am a very insecure person, have been all of my life.  But I did not realize drinking was making it so much worse.  I am not so paranoid when I go places.  My anxiety is still there but is so much less it is amazing. I don't have to worry about being a blubbering idiot because my brain is not in a constant fog whether I was intoxicated or just hung over because I now have clearer thoughts.

It is so crazy to me to feel this confident, it is not in my nature at all. (No I will not be doing any public speaking or trying out for a talent contest... baby steps)  But I honestly feel like I have lost 20 lbs.  (I so wish this was the true case as I have that plus more to lose). But as I walk around in public I feel so revived I catch myself thinking as I pass someone I know "Do you think they can see the difference in me?"  When I come into work, even if I did not get as much sleep as I would like, I feel so peppy I wonder sometimes if my co-workers think I am on wacky tobacky.  Like I said before I am sure most people didn't know the extent of my problem but now I live like a "normal person" I just want to tell everyone how great I feel!!  Crazy I know but it is my kind of crazy and I will enjoy it while it last.

Rock Bottom

I have been asked what happened to make me hit rock bottom.  I can't say I hit "rock bottom".  I have been struggle for many years with how much I was drinking internally.  Drinking was consuming my life.  I lost control of the drink, it now controlled me and I do not like that whatsoever.
Waking up in the morning most of the times trying to remember what happened the night before. Wondering if I was mean to my Poor Husband.  I really tried to be functional alcoholic (not a term I use for myself that I will talk about later), not posting on social media when intoxicated, no DUI's, showed up to work most days very hung over but would never admit it.  Trying to remember if I was nice to the few people I have let still be in my life... i.e. family.

If it was during the week, I would try to make it through the day without napping at work.  Yes I did say I napped at work.  The exhaustion I felt was so extreme I could not make it though a day without taking a nap even if I was at risk getting caught and in trouble.  I was good at work where I never felt the need to drink thank goodness.  This did not help me come to terms with having a problem. People that drink in the morning or afternoon are alcoholics right? I for sure wasn't one of those.  But the closer it came to going home the bottle would pop in my head... how much do I have in cupboard???  Did I drink that much last night??? I better just stop and get one just incase.
Always at war with myself... tonight will be better, I won't drink as much as last night.  Then tomorrow I won't drink at all.  I will try to just drink on the weekends only like normal people do.  Did it ever work??? Apparently not because here I am not drinking at all.

If we traveled anywhere whether grocery shopping, date night, fishing or just for a ride I always brought a bottle with me.  It jeopardized my DH every time we went if by chance we got pulled over or Lord behold we got in an accident.  It would have been him in trouble not me.  But did it matter to me?? Heck no I needed something to take the edge off.  Driving gives me great anxiety and I felt that it helped my calm down.

I feel, and this is probably just my hopeful perception, that most people did not realize the extend of my drinking.  How could they, I have secluded myself from any interaction with people in the evenings.  Yes my parents and sister knew I had a problem. But honestly I am not sure they knew exactly how much I really was drinking.  My dear husband for sure knew as he was usually the brunt of my roller coaster moods and running for me continuously to get me more so I didn't have a melt down. And bless his sole, he has stood by me as I got worse and worse day by day (that doesn't sound so good, it isn't like he supported my addiction, but he knew I had to recognize it for myself in order for me to be able to walk this difficult path).  He is such a great support for me going through this.  Yes we have our ups and downs with it, like I said not sure he realizes how hard it is but I know he is one of my biggest cheerleader on this journey and I am so grateful.

I think one of my biggest "rock bottom" reason as to quit honestly is my health.  I have been gaining weight obviously (consuming approximately 2000 {YES 2000} calories a night give or take).  But I didn't eat sweets so that made up for it right? And in the end I wasn't even eating dinner, I was drinking it.  The exhaustion was to the extent of being unmanageable.  Weekends I could sleep in until 11:00 or Noon, get up and eat the breakfast my DH made, then ready for a nap by 1.  I would then sleep until at least 3 then get up because by that time I could open the bottle again.  It would give me the energy to cook dinner and maybe do a load of laundry. I have been getting my blood work done for the last few years and the results were not pleasing by far.  My vitamin B and D were down, and many other levels are high... caused by excess drinking.  My liver levels were rising and rising to dangerous numbers.   I do not want cirrhosis of the liver that is for sure. (that would definitely give away that I had a problem drinking right?) Oh and by the way I did have breast cancer in 2012.  I of course would not admit that it could have been caused by my drinking.  I had never heard of that but I by gosh was not going to research it to find out when it was mention to me.  Mind you no on in my family has had breast cancer and I wasn't even old enough to get my breast smashed (per insurance coverage) to check for it.  Now my eyes are open I see that excess alcohol is a contributor to breast cancer and most likely caused mine.
Here's to a healthier me!!!

Where To Start??

I have pondered starting my own blog for a long time.  I will admit right here and right now, I am NOT a writer by any means.  Yes when I was young I pretended to write stories, but of course I never finished them and to be totally honest... I probably plagiarized most of the story lines.  But I thought I best give this a shot.

I have made a major life change and I feel in order to stay on track, I need a resource to look back and see how far I have come.  I think through my struggles and accomplishments being put in black and white, it will help me over the humps.

This blog may be very unorganized and I apologize for that but as stated above I am far from a professional. This is more of an online journal for my personal use. If by chance this blog does become public I hope it will help someone else struggling with their alcohol free life (AF) as I am confident (and honestly hopeful) I will succeed.

So as of today I am 20 days AF.  This is an accomplishment I have not made in the last 25 years other than when I was pregnant (x3).

Summary of the first few days
March 20, 2018  drank to much last night.. called off sick from work because I couldn't get out of bed (mainly too tired to function).  Not too bad of a day resisting (but that is not unusual when I over indulge the night before)
March 21, 2018 day 2... habits are really hard to break,  I do have a major craving for it.  Working through it.  Very tired!!!
March 22, 2018 Day 3  Still struggling with the habit and the cravings are pretty severe.  Horrible headache all day long.  Nights are very difficult for me.  Surprisingly I do not have the shakes which is a plus.  My dear mother asked me to come over and visit and have a couple shots.  She is the first I admitted to (other than my Dear Husband {DH}) that I was quitting drinking.  Not cutting down but quitting.  I at first said no I was too tired to go over (which was true but also an excuse as I didn't want to make it worse for myself).  But I felt guilty and traveled the whole block and a half to visit her.  It was a nice visit with no partaking of a nipper.  I know I was more quiet than normal but it was enjoyable.
March 23, 2018 Day 4  Pretty cranky all the time (excluding day time at work as drinking never crosses my mind).  Headache is horrible still.  Sleep definitely eludes me and people that know me.... sleep is very important to me :(.  Have a fog brain for sure. Very scattered brained.
March 24, 2018  Day 5 Still very moody but home alone at night so only the poor pups see my frustrations.  Went out to dinner with the parentals (as they are moving away leaving me... bad time to quit drinking... how will I cope?).  Very proud of myself... went to the restaurant that I always had 2 glasses of wine with dinner but I had a Pepsi.  I did eye the table next to us with a beautiful glass of wine but I held strong. First FRIDAY night was a success even going out of the house.
March 25th 2018 Day 6  Very moody and emotional. I can cry at anything for no reason.  Today was a rough day. I have discovered my DH is my trigger (excuse I know).  Any little thing he did wrong or I took wrong I would think of going to buy a drink.  Even threw it in his face at one point... totally unfair to him.  Kept busy moving furniture but that also contributed to my frustrations which made the craving much more sever.  I survived the night and went to bed early.  Sleep still is not good but seems to be getting a little better. Headache seems to be easing up some.
March 26th Day 7... Made it through the weekend.  It was bumpy but I survived and am very proud of myself.  Feel pretty selfish.  Don't feel I get enough recognition from DH at how well I am doing.  I know it is not his fault as I am not sure he honestly knows how hard this has been for me as he is not a drinker.  Headache still present but not a sever.  Brain fog is still getting me pretty good.  Keeping busy at night to take my mind off the habit.  Can't say I am having "cravings" but I do tend to walk to the cupboard absentmindedly so that is frustrating but I am making it day by day.