Wow I can't believe how quickly time is flying. Well that first week went very slow but to see the number 21 I feel so accomplished. I do wish I started this blog the first day I was AF but the fear was too great. I am now to the point I am good with bearing my soul and if criticism arises, I will try my best to let it go and move on.
I read several blogs with other woman who have taken this journey and it has helped me so much in my short amount of time. But on the other hand it kind of scares me reading how far they have got and still struggle from time to time. It appears I am in the "honeymoon stage" or the 'pink cloud" phase of recovery. But I will take it day by day and conquer things as they come up.
I feel pretty good today. I have so much energy. I can not believe what I am accomplishing in the evenings. First of all I can not believe how much I have let my house go, it is embarrassing. But now I am constantly cleaning something every night, and it is the nitty gritty cleaning, not just the surface. Three weeks ago I would come home from work not even kiss the DH if he happened to be home and go straight for a nipper. While trying to figure out what to make for dinner, I would continue to drink frequently. I would then cook dinner (while drinking) and then sit on the couch and drink some more. On good nights the alcohol would kick in and give me some energy so I may vacuum or maybe clean a toilet. I rarely did dishes before I went to bed. Then in the morning I would be so frustrated the kitchen was such a mess, I would be cranky all day and if DH was off and didn't clean it up before I got home I would be pissy at him. That gave me an excuse to drink probably more than the night before so I could "chill out" and not fight with him. But of course we know that never worked and it was always his fault. We usually fought more due to the intoxication. (oh how I feel so sorry for my behavior)
The thought of drinking isn't constantly on my mind like it was last week and the week before. Going through 3 weekends successfully now has really boosted my confidence. I also had a house guest over the weekend (my dear mom) and I had a little urge to drink to be the happy hostess but I worked through it and think I was pretty good company without being inhibited. Go Me!!
I honestly can not believe the difference I feel in myself. I am a very insecure person, have been all of my life. But I did not realize drinking was making it so much worse. I am not so paranoid when I go places. My anxiety is still there but is so much less it is amazing. I don't have to worry about being a blubbering idiot because my brain is not in a constant fog whether I was intoxicated or just hung over because I now have clearer thoughts.
It is so crazy to me to feel this confident, it is not in my nature at all. (No I will not be doing any public speaking or trying out for a talent contest... baby steps) But I honestly feel like I have lost 20 lbs. (I so wish this was the true case as I have that plus more to lose). But as I walk around in public I feel so revived I catch myself thinking as I pass someone I know "Do you think they can see the difference in me?" When I come into work, even if I did not get as much sleep as I would like, I feel so peppy I wonder sometimes if my co-workers think I am on wacky tobacky. Like I said before I am sure most people didn't know the extent of my problem but now I live like a "normal person" I just want to tell everyone how great I feel!! Crazy I know but it is my kind of crazy and I will enjoy it while it last.
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