Something that is bothering me in this challenge of being sober and it is quite crazy, but no one really asks how I am doing it? (I am telling more people every day that I have quit now that I am past 30 days and feel like it is achievable) I know that so weird but as challenging as it is I thought more people would ask how I cope each day and how I stopped to start with but no one has. Well I will share it with you anyways....
I have contemplated quitting for many years now. My close friends (and fellow drinking buddies know this first hand). Many times when we would get together or talk I would always say "I really need to do something about this" or "I am getting pretty bad I really need to quit or cut back". But it usually came up after talking about other people we knew that were doing really bad with either drinking or drugs. Of course talking about them (which is not very Christian to begin with) would help lift the veil from my eyes and see that I was no better than they were with the way I was handling myself day to day. But then continuing to discuss how these individuals were ruining their lives and praying they would get it together soon for themselves and their families, I would be told... "your not that bad yet" or "you have had a rough life, no one blames you for numbing yourself", or "who would not drink if they lived your life". So this of course justified my behavior an made it easier to deny that I truly had a problem. On a side note I must say my close friends and drinking buddies didn't really know how much I was drinking. They knew I drank daily but I don't think they knew the quantity I was drinking as I of course was not going to tell them every day that I had too much the night before.
What made me say "today is the day" I am not sure. I started reading other peoples blogs on how to quit without going to AA. My biggest fear is not having the tools to do this with out the assistance of AA. There is nothing wrong with AA, it has helped many people and I admire them for having the courage to change their lives use the support of AA. But in our small community it would definitely not be Anonymous. Most people didn't realize how bad I was and I definitely did not want to go stand in front of a bunch of people and admit my faults knowing that the rest of the town would probably know by the end of the week. I am sure not all groups are this way but that was my fear.
I really thought about going to rehab because I knew I could not do it on my own. There was no way... every morning I would think I am going to do better tonight for sure... but then quitting time I was stopping by the local convenience store to pick up a bottle just incase. Well the "just incase" was an always and I would drink 3/4 to all of it that night. This was on repeat more often than not. I was very insecure about my drinking and did not want my co-workers or others to know I had a problem so I even considered getting a surgery that is needed to be done and going to rehab at that time so they didn't know the real reason I was not at work. That is plain crazy but this is where I was at.
Well the morning of March 20th (oddly my MIL bday... no this was not a gift to her as I hope she did not realize how bad I was) I woke up and said "I am done as of today!!!" I didn't tell my husband at this point (he was on graveyards so he wouldn't know anyways). I had been reading "Kick the Drink... Easily" by Jason Vale (recommended several times on other blogs I was reading). While reading it was like, ya this is really going to work... not!!. At the beginning of the book he states if you hadn't quit drinking already, don't quit until you finish the book. I thought this was very odd, but I followed directions. Some readings I probably did not absorb as well as I should have because I was drinking... but this book was the miracle I needed. On the 20th of March I had not finished the book yet but was close to the end and have not drank since. I was really put off when Jason said that the book was accused of brainwashing people. I was like no way, no one is going to get into my brain, but then quickly I thought... heck I will take any help I can get and if this brainwashes me so be it if it works. Not really thinking reading a book would help me but you know what??? I REALLY DID!!!!
Every time I would get up that first week to go to the cupboard to get a shot (yes I do still have an empty bottle in my cupboard taking up space... I just have not been able to part with it yet lol) ... I would think and sometimes say out loud... "that is poison".... "alcohol does nothing for me"... over and over. It really worked for me to visualize drinking fuel for my car every day. Why in the heck would I do that to my body? I am far from being a health nut, but there are something's that do not belong in the human body like heroin, crack and now I realize alcohol. That is plain stupid and I may not be a scholar I am not dimwit either.
What helped you to take that first step to changing your life?
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