Rock Bottom

I have been asked what happened to make me hit rock bottom.  I can't say I hit "rock bottom".  I have been struggle for many years with how much I was drinking internally.  Drinking was consuming my life.  I lost control of the drink, it now controlled me and I do not like that whatsoever.
Waking up in the morning most of the times trying to remember what happened the night before. Wondering if I was mean to my Poor Husband.  I really tried to be functional alcoholic (not a term I use for myself that I will talk about later), not posting on social media when intoxicated, no DUI's, showed up to work most days very hung over but would never admit it.  Trying to remember if I was nice to the few people I have let still be in my life... i.e. family.

If it was during the week, I would try to make it through the day without napping at work.  Yes I did say I napped at work.  The exhaustion I felt was so extreme I could not make it though a day without taking a nap even if I was at risk getting caught and in trouble.  I was good at work where I never felt the need to drink thank goodness.  This did not help me come to terms with having a problem. People that drink in the morning or afternoon are alcoholics right? I for sure wasn't one of those.  But the closer it came to going home the bottle would pop in my head... how much do I have in cupboard???  Did I drink that much last night??? I better just stop and get one just incase.
Always at war with myself... tonight will be better, I won't drink as much as last night.  Then tomorrow I won't drink at all.  I will try to just drink on the weekends only like normal people do.  Did it ever work??? Apparently not because here I am not drinking at all.

If we traveled anywhere whether grocery shopping, date night, fishing or just for a ride I always brought a bottle with me.  It jeopardized my DH every time we went if by chance we got pulled over or Lord behold we got in an accident.  It would have been him in trouble not me.  But did it matter to me?? Heck no I needed something to take the edge off.  Driving gives me great anxiety and I felt that it helped my calm down.

I feel, and this is probably just my hopeful perception, that most people did not realize the extend of my drinking.  How could they, I have secluded myself from any interaction with people in the evenings.  Yes my parents and sister knew I had a problem. But honestly I am not sure they knew exactly how much I really was drinking.  My dear husband for sure knew as he was usually the brunt of my roller coaster moods and running for me continuously to get me more so I didn't have a melt down. And bless his sole, he has stood by me as I got worse and worse day by day (that doesn't sound so good, it isn't like he supported my addiction, but he knew I had to recognize it for myself in order for me to be able to walk this difficult path).  He is such a great support for me going through this.  Yes we have our ups and downs with it, like I said not sure he realizes how hard it is but I know he is one of my biggest cheerleader on this journey and I am so grateful.

I think one of my biggest "rock bottom" reason as to quit honestly is my health.  I have been gaining weight obviously (consuming approximately 2000 {YES 2000} calories a night give or take).  But I didn't eat sweets so that made up for it right? And in the end I wasn't even eating dinner, I was drinking it.  The exhaustion was to the extent of being unmanageable.  Weekends I could sleep in until 11:00 or Noon, get up and eat the breakfast my DH made, then ready for a nap by 1.  I would then sleep until at least 3 then get up because by that time I could open the bottle again.  It would give me the energy to cook dinner and maybe do a load of laundry. I have been getting my blood work done for the last few years and the results were not pleasing by far.  My vitamin B and D were down, and many other levels are high... caused by excess drinking.  My liver levels were rising and rising to dangerous numbers.   I do not want cirrhosis of the liver that is for sure. (that would definitely give away that I had a problem drinking right?) Oh and by the way I did have breast cancer in 2012.  I of course would not admit that it could have been caused by my drinking.  I had never heard of that but I by gosh was not going to research it to find out when it was mention to me.  Mind you no on in my family has had breast cancer and I wasn't even old enough to get my breast smashed (per insurance coverage) to check for it.  Now my eyes are open I see that excess alcohol is a contributor to breast cancer and most likely caused mine.
Here's to a healthier me!!!