Where I came from....

Here is a little rehash of events that stand out to me so I can remember where I was and how far I have come.

• Several years ago while the children were still at home, I had drank too much of course (sadly this was before I got really bad).  I don't remember the details but I do know DH and I got into an argument (sure over something silly).  The end result of my drunken temper tantrum I had thrown the remote control and broke our fairly new flat screen TV.  I then broke down in tears for the stupidity as DH tried to console me.  The saint that DH is went first thing in the morning before the children woke and bought a new TV (which mind you we did not have the money for).  When asked by said children why we got a new one, DH was kind enough to cover for me with some ridiculous story.  Not sure if they bought into the story but no more was said of this incident.
• A couple years ago my DH was hospitalized out of town for monitoring of some dangerous kidney levels.  Of course during my packing to take him to the hospital I put my bottle of schnapps in my bag (no I was not driving).  He was in the hospital 3 days.  While I rationed my supply (do you know how hard it is to drink in a hospital and not get caught) I was very edgy the whole time there worrying when I would run out.  Mind you I did not pack make-up or under garments for this stay but got my spirits.  In my defense DH has always been the healthy strong one, so this was suppose to be an over reaction so the stay should be brief and we would be on our way, not the case.  (thinking back on this one really bothers me... I was such a horrible wife, and here he sat waiting 14 hours for me to get out of my surgery when I had a double mastectomy and was in the hospital 7 days)
• Several times I would drink a fair amount before the DH would get home from work and I would have to puke so I didn't appear trashed and then I could drink some more and everything would seem normal.
• Evenings I would drink more than I should then I would feel "social" and make my calls to my Daughter, Sister or MIL.  Looking back most conversations I was just a blubbering idiot.  I would get flustered with dear MIL for interrupting me or not letting me talk.  Well when you don't shut up yourself who are you to judge.
• Went to a personal conference with my co-worker.  She isn't much of a drinker but she does drink.  I was nervous about how much was acceptable for me to drink around her so she didn't think I was a lush.  Also not drinking on the way to the conference was a bit worrisome for me. But kept telling myself I could do it.  Well I of course bought 3 mini bottles to hide in my purse (aren't I brilliant?).  We had to stop half way so I could "pee" and I slipped one in my pocket so I could drink it in the bathroom so she didn't know.  We went to dinner and I had 2 glasses of wine within a 30 minute period.  I got a little tipsy and of course blamed it on my nerves.
• Got into a horrible fight with Darling Sister due my emotions being totally out of control.  It was a bad year for me on the anniversary of losing my youngest son for some reason.  Looking back (and honestly at the time I knew) the alcohol contributed I would say at least 60% of it if not more.  I am not trying to minimalize it as grief is a horrible thing and the cycles are never ending.  But having the alcohol fog on top of it does not help one deal with the stages of grief.  DS was trying her best to comfort me in my time of need, but she was not aware of how bad I was emotionally (why on earth would I let anyone know I was not in control of myself or my feelings).  We got into one of the most brutal fights we ever have had (through messenger where of course things can easily be taken out of context).  She appears to have forgiven me quickly and said it wasn't as bad I was thinking, but my guilty eats away at me but it is also helping me come to terms with my drinking problem.

I know there are probably many more than this, but this is a good start to look back and see that is not a place I want to be.