30 DAYS!!!!!

Wow 30 days!!! (sorry playing catch up with this new blog, the official 30 days was on 4/20)
Anyways..... 30 FrEAKinG DAYS!!!! I would never thought I could make it this far.  Ya I have been sober before for 9 months 3 times in my life but when you are growing eyeballs and ears it kind of gives you strength to do what is best for the baby :).

What have I discovered in the last 30 days???

• I feel AMAZING!!!!! I have so much more energy which has been an issue for me for some time now.  I was always complaining how tired I was and life was so boring because I had no energy like those crazy people that can do so much in a day.  Well I am that crazy person. Yes I do get tired of course but I feel 100% better.
• My bowel movements are so much better also.  I know TMI but at the young age of 40 I had to have a colonoscopy to make sure all was well down in the bottom end.  In my heart I knew it was the alcohol but of course I just wanted a pill to fix it so I continue the path I was traveling.  But during this procedure I also discovered I had precancerous esophagus (Barrett's Disease).  Well I knew it was from drinking but of course I would not admit it to anyone.  It was just from reflux which is common for most normal people right? ON that note, the reflux is so much better.  I thought of going off my medication but figure I will wait until the next scope to make sure I am on the mend. Cancer is nothing to mess with.
• The Wine Witch is not calling so much anymore.  Ya I will get a tiny craving every now and then but it leaves quickly.  Except Sunday was a little more difficult.  The weather was nice I did a lot of spring cleaning and cleaned out some of my flower beds (mind you I have not done in YEARS).  Well I thought when the DH got off work we could take a ride up country and take the dogs for a run (them not me, I have not come that far yet).  I was planning to make a wonderful dinner of hot dogs and potato salad.  Well the closer it was time for  DH to get off the more I was wanting to have a glass of wine and enjoy the nice weather.  Going for rides previously always entailed drinking so I quickly changed my mind and we just cooked the hot dogs on the BBQ.  It was nice and the nagging WW was defeated and I enjoyed the rest of the evening.
• My moods are much more consistent now.  If I am cranky, I am cranky and know why (well sometimes, I am still a woman).  But I feel I am on an even kilter most nights.  DH did tell my DS the other night that I am much more enjoyable to be around and don't get so ornery anymore so I guess that is a plus!!
• Like said in previous post, my anxiety is better by tenfold.  Ya I am still nervous, but nothing like I was before.  I can't remember if I discussed this or not, but Dear Hubs and I went shopping out of town a couple weekends ago and normal on the interstate I have my head ducked down most of the trip and freaking out grabbing DH and stressing him out.  But oddly this trip I was actually able to watch us travel down the road.  Don't get me wrong we did pass a semi at one point and I had to turn my head, but nothing like I use to be.
• Weight... I have only lost 6 pounds. But considering I have substituted the drink for sweets I feel pretty good about it.  I never ate sweets before because I had to save the calories to partake by cup. I have to say a chocolate granola bar or a Reese's cup isn't so bad for me at this point.
• As I said I only lost 6 pounds but my face does look much better if I say so myself.  My jowls are less prominent that is for sure.  My eyes are defiantly not as poofy.  I don't look like I just got out of bed all day long!! I have even been taking "selfies" to show my progress.  I normally do not see the good, but I can see the difference is positive.
• Shakes are nonexistent.  Before I would roll myself out of bed and the hubs would have breakfast done.  As I pour our orange juice I could barely hit the glass.  But in all honesty I didn't think it was from drinking.  I have always been a shakey person but this was horrible.  I chalked it up to being hungry as they seemed to get better after I would eat.  No I did not drink in the morning so it never registered it was withdrawals already since I was probably still drunk or way hung over.

Well that is all I can come up with now, but I am sure there are many more significant changes.  I am so enjoying this AF life I only pray the honeymoons keeps on a lasting.

PS.... I have also saved over $450.   Unfortunately I don't notice it my checkbook as drinking was not a budgeted expense.  I seem to transfer money from saving more now which is very agitating but I think it is because I am actually dealing with life now and I am balancing my checkbook weekly instead of hoping all is good until payday

21 day that's 3 WEEKS!!!!

Wow I can't believe how quickly time is flying.  Well that first week went very slow but to see the number 21 I feel so accomplished.  I do wish I started this blog the first day I was AF but the fear was too great.  I am now to the point I am good with bearing my soul and if criticism arises, I will try my best to let it go and move on.

I read several blogs with other woman who have taken this journey and it has helped me so much in my short amount of time.  But on the other hand it kind of scares me reading how far they have got and still struggle from time to time.  It appears I am in the "honeymoon stage" or the 'pink cloud" phase of recovery.  But I will take it day by day and conquer things as they come up.

I feel pretty good today.  I have so much energy.  I can not believe what I am accomplishing in the evenings.  First of all I can not believe how much I have let my house go, it is embarrassing.  But now I am constantly cleaning something every night, and it is the nitty gritty cleaning, not just the surface.  Three weeks ago I would come home from work not even kiss the DH if he happened to be home and go straight for a nipper.  While trying to figure out what to make for dinner, I would continue to drink frequently. I would then cook dinner (while drinking) and then sit on the couch and drink some more.  On good nights the alcohol would kick in and give me some energy so I may vacuum or maybe clean a toilet. I rarely did dishes before I went to bed.  Then in the morning I would be so frustrated the kitchen was such a mess, I would be cranky all day and if DH was off and didn't clean it up before I got home I would be pissy at him. That gave me an excuse to drink probably more than the night before so I could "chill out" and not fight with him.  But of course we know that never worked and it was always his fault.  We usually fought more due to the intoxication. (oh how I feel so sorry for my behavior)

The thought of drinking isn't constantly on my mind like it was last week and the week before.  Going through 3 weekends successfully now has really boosted my confidence.  I also had a house guest over the weekend (my dear mom) and I had a little urge to drink to be the happy hostess but I worked through it and think I was pretty good company without being inhibited.  Go Me!!
I honestly can not believe the difference I feel in myself.  I am a very insecure person, have been all of my life.  But I did not realize drinking was making it so much worse.  I am not so paranoid when I go places.  My anxiety is still there but is so much less it is amazing. I don't have to worry about being a blubbering idiot because my brain is not in a constant fog whether I was intoxicated or just hung over because I now have clearer thoughts.

It is so crazy to me to feel this confident, it is not in my nature at all. (No I will not be doing any public speaking or trying out for a talent contest... baby steps)  But I honestly feel like I have lost 20 lbs.  (I so wish this was the true case as I have that plus more to lose). But as I walk around in public I feel so revived I catch myself thinking as I pass someone I know "Do you think they can see the difference in me?"  When I come into work, even if I did not get as much sleep as I would like, I feel so peppy I wonder sometimes if my co-workers think I am on wacky tobacky.  Like I said before I am sure most people didn't know the extent of my problem but now I live like a "normal person" I just want to tell everyone how great I feel!!  Crazy I know but it is my kind of crazy and I will enjoy it while it last.