Plugging Along

Well I have made it 84 days.... only 6 more to the BIG 90 days Sober.  Ninety Days is a big deal in the sobriety world it appears.  Not really sure why, my research has dwindled lately as I been feeling pretty strong and the wine witch seldom makes an appearance anymore thank goodness.

I am thinking I have climbed over the PAWS wall again this round.  I can not understand how or why we have to go through the cycle over and over.  The alcohol is out of our system, we have found new routines.  Overall we should basically be enjoying our new freedom and ability to live a normal life. I know our brains are probably still repairing all the damage we inflicted for many years but still.  We are smart people (well now at least since we quit poisoning ourselves), why do we have to cycle the moods and depressions when drinking doesn't seem to be an issue anymore?  But I guess it is what it is and we have to deal with it day by day.

We still haven't gone camping yet. I am pretty disappointed in myself for not conquering that fear yet.  But I will hopefully at the end of the month.  We are unable to for the next couple weekends so I must push myself to then.  I know I will be very disappointed in myself if I don't.  I am not sure what my fear is because I love the peace and quiet.  I know the dogs will have a blast which is all that matters right?  I think I am worried about getting bored.  You may ask how can you be bored when you have the whole country side to explore and do things?  I ask myself that also.  Fingers crossed I will be posting about a wonderful camping trip soon.

10 Weeks

70 days.... I think 10 weeks sounds better for some reason :)

I have come out of my funk somewhat.  Still moody but doing better. I can at least stand myself sometimes.

I have realized that the wine witch is not screaming at me as much anymore.  It is really nice and weird I don't think about it much.  I went out of town with my BFF which is also my drinking buddy and not drinking wasn't an issue.  While getting ready a couple times I thought about having a nipper but it was just passing thought.  We went to dinner and she had a margarita and was worried it would bother me.  It did not faze me at least. Plus tequila was never my thing.

Summer time we always try to camp as much as we can.  But this year I really want to go but I am so scared to go.  Camping has always involved a lot of drinking.  I don't have the desire to drink right now but going up country is it going to trigger the loss?  I don't want to inflict more challenges at this time but then I want to concur them instead of missing out on life.  I will get there I know it, I have made it this far I can achieve anything!!!

My restless legs seem to be doing a little better.  Not sure if they are related or not but I wanted to document so if they appear again.

60 DaYs!!!!

Sunday was 60 days alcohol free for me.  Is this a big achievement?  Didn't really feel like it.  Not sure what I am expecting but I am apparently I am not getting it. I still feel great, no waking up hung over, having a little more energy.  But I have no pizazz at all.  I am not sure if it is the Wall or if this is how my life is going to be.  I don't find it too interesting.  I am getting a lot of things done in my home that I have neglected for years and that does feel like a great accomplishment but is that all my life consists of is cleaning?

I am discovering how selfish I really am and not liking it.  I am frustrated that no one has noticed my achievement.  Yes I know this is my personal achievement and I am not doing it for anyone else but I feel like I have to brag about it instead of it being noticed.  DH is the one that mainly bugs me.  He use to be so observant of my little things I wish he would recognize this one without me saying something every time.  So petty I know.  

Also, why blog???? Does not appear that many people even read this and no one comments.  I know personally as a blog stocker I don't normally comment but that is due to reading history from like 5 years ago so I feel my comments are not pertinent at this point. I know this blog is not really helpful to others as so we will see if it will go on....

Sober Mother's Day Weekend

Well I survived Mother's Day Weekend, cranky and all.  Friday night was horrible until about 9:30.  I was just cranky about everything.  I didn't even eat dinner because the place we were going to eat appeared to be too busy and so then I was pissy and nothing sounded good.  Wonder who that hurt lol?

Saturday got better but I was still a little glum.  My sweet daughter came to visit for a while which was nice.  She is planning her wedding so in the back of my mind I am wondering how this sobriety thing is going to work.  Her wedding isn't until next July but I keep thinking I can't have a glass of champagne to celebrate her new journey.  Not that I need to but it would be nice not to have this problem and be normal and just have one glass of champagne and be done with it but I am too scared to even try. But I will face that battle when it comes.

Sunday my dear son took me to lunch for mother's day.  It was very sweet of him as he is not the touchy feel type of boy.  But it made my heart burst with pride knowing he does love me :)

DH had to work all weekend so I had to make my own dinner darn it.  But my mood had greatly improved by Sunday.  Hopefully my slump is over for this month.  I pray the next one isn't so sever, hate feeling this way and making everyone in my life miserable.

Hope all the mothers out there had an amazing Mother's Day.

Day 51

I am in a rut.  I have no excitement in my life. I guess the "honeymoon" is over already.  The last 3 days I have been blah, even the energy has been lost.  Maybe that is some of the reason I am in a rut, I am not getting anything done like I was.  I feel no accomplishment.

In reading other blogs I am thinking I am cycling in the PAWS.  I had told my DH that this was a possibility and he had said at the time "Not you, you are too head strong not to get it all done at once".  I know he was joking and being supportive, and I was truly hoping he was right but unfortunately he wasn't.

My irritability is through the roof. No one can do any right in my eyes and I feel horrible about that.  I see what I am doing but can't seem to stop it. I have been taking vitamins trying to stay on top of it but I must need more. 

It does not help that I am watching TV shows and it shows how people are sober for years and still struggle every day with it.  Is this it?  Is this what sober life is?  I feel like it is Groundshogs Day.  I want more.  I want excitement and fulfillment.

I will make it through and hopefully I will snap out of it quickly.  If I don't like myself how is anyone going to like me or put up with me.


Heres to tomorrow...!!!

Symptoms???

Day 48

Overall I feel so much better being AF but I do have a few symptoms I do not know if they are related to my new healthy life style or not.  The major one is having restless leg syndrome.  It is driving me crAzY!!! I need my sleep.  In my drinking days I would have spouts of restless nights, but most nights I poured myself into bed and passed out so consciously I am not sure if it was really bad or not.

I have tried taking magnesium supplements and I drink Calm nightly but still struggle.  I purchased a really awful elixir that contained apple cider vinegar, garlic and ginger.  They had warned me it tasted awful but worked great.  I thought "If I could drink Peppermint Schnapps nightly, this will be no problem".  Boy was I wrong.  It was horrible.  But I was so desperate I would try anything to get some sleep.  Well it seemed to work for like 2 hours then they would act up again.  So I did find another remedy in drop form that doesn't taste near as bad and works great.  But I am at a loss why it is so bad now.  I should be absorbing my vitamins now, not like when I was drinking and was lacking.  I have tried to Google it but haven't really confirmed this is a side effect this far out.  Has anyone else struggled with this?  I know I am drinking enough water as that is all I drink now.

On another note this morning I woke up and looked hung over.  I never really noticed visually how bad I looked for so many years but now I am so conscious of it even though I am not waking up hung over.  My eyes were all poofy and my fingers were all swollen.  I didn't really eat or do anything out of the ordinary last night so I am not sure where this is coming from either.  My hands seemed to go down pretty quickly but I feel my face is still poofy.  Hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Am I an Alcoholic???

As I stated in my very first blog post.. I do NOT consider myself an Alcoholic.  Saying it out loud makes me feel like I have a very big head that has lost many screws. But let me see if I can rationalize it for you... 

Being an Alcoholic means I have a LIFE long DIEASE that is incurable.  That is really hard to deal with and grasp.  You mean I am going to have to fight this for the REST of MY LIFE???? Who would even want to try to do that?  I know I sure as heck don't.  Yes I have admitted I have a problem with Alcohol no doubt about it.  Will I always struggle with it?  Yes I am sure I will when I let it, I couldn't control it to start with so I know down the road as much I would like to I won't be able to.  So yes the term may be correct, but for my mind set I am not going to label myself that.  I have an intolerance to alcohol that's it.  It does not like me and I do not like it. I was an alcohol ADDICT but I do not have a disease.  Just like I have read someone who uses heroin it is not said they have heroinism, they are a heroin addict. A cocaine user is a crack addict (not sure if that is the right term) not a cocainolic.

I am sure this post makes no sense to some, I am not sure how to say it as the way I portray it in my mind.  I know it is just a word, but like cancer, that word hangs with you for the rest of your life.  Yes I will always be mindful of my problems but I will also try my best to look at the way that makes me feel better about myself not worse so I have more of a chance for success.
*I am sure this post will be edited several times as I figure out a way to explain it without sounding like a nut case :)